I haven’t been updating, partially because I’m on my tiny computer a lot more now that we have cable internet and my tiny computer doesn’t have all my login stuff on it. I forget my username and password otherwise.
Anyway, I thought I’d make a point of posting today, since it’s a special day. Not a good special, though. Today is the 15 year anniversary of the day my mother died from cancer. It’s really hard to forget today, even though I try. I had a lovely dream last night that I slept through the entire day today and woke up on the 16th and didn’t have to try to act like the 15th is just any other normal day.
You’d think that in 15 years I’d have time to get over it. And while the pain has definitely diminished in raw agony, it’s still there in a deeper way. Simple things that most people take for granted kind of suck for me. Getting my driver’s license, graduating from High School, graduating from the University of Tennessee, getting married – all of that stuff is a lot less fun because I can never forget that there is someone really important who is missing it all. And I’m missing her. It’s hard to be really happy about those things when I’m just really sad underneath it all. And one reason I am not interested in having kids is that I know they’ll never know their grandmother. That sucks so much. I think going through a pregnancy and all that stuff about raising a child and not having my mom to go to and ask for advice would be one of the worst things in the world. I know planning a wedding without her was awful. I checked out mentally through most of the whole process. Looking back I kind of wish I hadn’t bothered to have a wedding in the first place.
Life without a mom is hard. It really never gets better or easier.
But life goes on, no matter how hard I try to hit the pause button. So I have to go too. I’m just going to feel a little sorry for myself today.